wonder

It was a hot and humid July day 14 years ago when I strolled into the hospital with contractions. The thing about your first baby which you don’t understand is that you’re going to come out of there a different person-changed forever.

I asked for the epidural and they quietly told me I was too far along & I would need to go ahead &have the baby using my back up plan.

For me, this was to keep the baby inside me. “I can not have a baby. I don’t know how,” I whispered to Nato like it was a secret I had been withholding.

So he did what any good man would do & called my mother in, as he also did not know how. The doc with a handlebar mustache called in all his students with their note pads & name tags and there they stood all around my bed from head to head, leaving only a small space for my dignity.

The nurse told me I had a ways to go & to rest up but within that hour I thought there might accidentally be a baby under the sheets , so I eloquently told my mom I had to push or the baby would come thru my mouth. “You can’t go from a 1 to a 10 that quick the nurse said as she slipped on her gloves & with surprised eyes asked me if I could kindly wait until the doctor arrived.

My mom laughed & when the nurse left she whispered , “you go ahead & push if you need to.” So I did. The students rushed in, they rolled me to a delivery room. Some of the lady students cried and there was my cone head, purple baby with gunk all over him. I was shaking so hard from the pain & they asked me if I wanted to hold him. I said not really, that hurt pretty bad actually.

They laughed & took turns stitching me up, forgetting that I hadn’t had any pain meds, “now Sara go ahead and give her a stitch & you next Joey.” I asked my mom if I was supposed to be feeling the needle & thread & my mother had a few choice words with the staff.

I stared at the ceiling & promised the staff cheese pizza while they threaded me up. A janitor mopped by and yelled “congratulations!” & I thought it was strange but still said thank you because I felt like I could conquer the world. They handed me my baby & I thought, “I think I love you but what In the hell am I supposed to do with you.” Still wonder this today.