Initiating connection with Neighbors

One thing this neighborhood has taught me when we moved from the city begrudgingly eight years ago was that I wasn’t really doing community all that well. I mean, outside of my street we were: we were involved at the kids’ schools, super involved at church, had meaningful relationships with work colleagues. But on our street– sure, we were friendly with our neighbors, kind, even helpful, but we wouldn’t ever share meals together. When we landed on this street, all that changed with an invitation the first week we moved in. “Please come to our dinner club we’ve had for 20 years. We rotate homes quarterly and all bring sides while the host provides the main.”

A dinner club for 20 years? Who are these people?! We were the youngest by far, surrounded by the great giants of the street. And so we were roped into community immediately. They made spouses separate so you would have to get to know your neighbors without using your spouse as a crutch. It was complete gangsterness. And I liked it. They created the culture 20 years ago, and I bet you it all started with a Hello.

Soon a house across the street went up for sale and another and another, and younger people with small children were moving in. They would be roped into dinner club just like we were. But the thing about having small children, is that you’re out in the yard chasing them around. You’re in the driveway playing basketball, and soon the children will start liking each other and asking for playdates. And you can keep it cordial with waves and smiles, maybe some polite conversation by the mailbox. Or, you can start initiating even deeper connections.

Here’s are some ideas that helped me:

Play in your front yard. Be in the driveway. In fact, go ahead and eat dinner in the driveway! It’s so tempting to be in the backyard, but when you’re in the front yard, you have a lot more opportunities to run into people who are getting the mail, or driving down the street, or chasing their kid on a rogue bike. And just say hi, wave, initiate friendliness. You’d be amazed at how conversations start to flow.

Eventually, Get their phone number. Don’t be a creep and say you love them on the first date, wait a little bit. But why is it so hard to ask someone for their digits? It feels like asking someone what their social security number is for some reason. But I promise you, this is such a good way to connect. How do you ask? Hey, let’s exchange numbers so we’ll have it just in case. Or, Hey Let’s exchange numbers and I’ll text you some incredible cat GIF’s.

After gathering numbers of different neighbors, you can create a text strand if you want. And then:
A) offer value: FYI the magazine sellers are out today and I never got the magazine I ordered from them last year! Or, Trash comes on Thursday this week because of the Holiday. I always forget!

B) Another great text is to ask for something. That’s right, be needy. Does anyone have an onion. Totally forgot one at the store and don’t want to go back! Why would you do this? Because you’re telling people that it’s ok for them to ask the group for things they need in the future. This is setting up a culture of need and reciprocation. It is the foundation of a great neighborhood community!

C) Food is a magnet. There is something intimate about eating together. And listen, this does not need to be formal or fancy. In our neighborhood, we were all hanging out together one Friday and dinner was approaching. Kids were becoming feral and needed nourishment. “I’ll throw chicken nuggets in the air fryer for everyone,” I said. And then a couple of protests, which I didn’t listen to. “Fine, I actually have some fruit about to go bad,” One neighbor said. Then another piped in, “and I have frozen pizzas.” And that’s how Freezer Friday began. The rule is you can’t actually make anything–It just has to be random stuff you have. The kids love it, we love it. Now, sometimes it’s planned via group text ( “Freezer Friday anyone?”), and sometimes it just happens. More and more, as our friendships grow, it feels effortless. But it took lots of work to get there!

D) If you know a neighbor is having a hard time, or has a medical procedure, or gets sick, Don’t believe them when they say their fine. Immediately drop off enchiladas for dinner or pick up chipotle if you hate cooking. Do something, anything! Of course we have a coping mechanism basket that floats around our neighborhood when someone is having a rough go, but it doesn’t need to be elaborate. Simply show up. It tells people how you want to be treated, but a lot of times, you will need to bravely initiate this.

These are simple ways that have helped my neighborhood thrive in community and I hope it helps you too. The main thing is: Bravely initiate. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but I promise it is worth it. I live in someone’s legacy of a brave Hello who started a dinner club for their neighbors. The Question is, what sort of legacy do you want those who come into your neighborhood to live in. CREATE IT!